Coach Simone Torres Costa explains what inspired her to study psychology and then write a book that helps expat kids make sense of relocation and the invisible losses they experience along the way.
Inspired by experience
“Once, when my family relocated to Poland, my son just refused to cooperate. He was so distraught that I wondered if an eight-year-old could be depressed,” recalls Simone. “I wanted a clearer understanding of what happens in a child’s mind during the relocation process, so that’s why I studied psychology.” That search for answers also led to her book, co-written with her friend Ana Serra. In The Mission of Detective Mike, the young protagonist notices his parents whispering and begins his own investigation into what is really happening.
Conspiring to relocate
“As adults we’ve mostly forgotten what it feels like to be a child,” Simone explains. “For kids, relocation is an abstract concept, not a concrete one. They perceive the world very differently from us, so it’s important we respect the challenge they face and consider the specific needs of their age group. If we are aware that children’s perception of the transition is different from ours, we are better placed to support them – and fill in the gap.”
The myth of flexibility
“There is often a myth of flexibility – the idea that kids will quickly adapt,” says Simone. “But as a coach, psychologist, and mother of two sensitive TCKs, I strongly believe parents should never think, ‘Oh, they’ll be fine.’ Children don’t choose to relocate, and they often can’t articulate their fears. Instead, their emotions may surface through behaviour – for example, a toddler might become more volatile on the playground, or an older child might be more prone to outbursts.”
The invisible home
Above all, Simone stresses the importance of security. “A feeling of safety is core to our being. When a child relocates, they lose the house and environment that made them feel safe. Families can ease that vulnerability by recreating an ‘invisible home’ using routines and familiar activities to provide stability and a sense of continuity, no matter where in the world they are.”
Shifts in identity
Relocation can also affect a child’s developing sense of identity. Simone offers an example: “A kid might have a maths teacher who always said, ‘You’re very good at maths.’ With a new teacher, that affirmation disappears, and suddenly they’ve lost part of who they are. Kids are sensitive to these subtle shifts, and parents should be aware of the invisible losses they may be carrying.”
Photo: Unsplash
