Cross-cultural relationships can be wonderfully enriching, broadening perspectives and leading to a long voyage of mutual self-discovery. But they can also create plenty of misunderstandings when it comes to meeting the in-laws.
The unseen assumptions
Let’s start by picturing an Englishman living in China. He’s married to a Chinese woman. When she asks whether he would like to visit her parents over the weekend. He assumes it is a genuine choice and politely declines. It’s a long drive to her family home and he has a few things he’d like to do with his free time. His wife, however, sees the visit as an obligation. When she arrives at her family home, she will be embarrassed that he has not accompanied her – she will have to make up an excuse for him, adding to her irritation. The Englishman finds himself in the bad books without even realising what he has done wrong.
Family expectations
In some cultures, adult children are expected to maintain frequent contact with parents and perhaps maintain close relations with their extended families. In others, independence is prioritised and less frequent contact is perfectly normal. A Southeast Asian professional relocating to Scandinavia, for example, may be surprised by how independently many Nordic families operate. Meanwhile, a Finnish spouse living in Southeast Asia may feel overwhelmed by expectations around family visits.
Navigating differences
Every relationship requires compromise, but cross-cultural couples often benefit from making the unspoken explicit. Conversations about family expectations, and even how each partner views how weekends should be spent, can prevent misunderstandings later. For example, one partner may view travelling to their homeland to spend two weeks with their family as a joyful opportunity to reconnect with their loved ones. But it can be challenging, perhaps even a claustrophobic experience for the partner who is out of their element (in more ways than one). Discussing expectations and planning the holiday in advance can help couples find a balance that works for both.
Curiosity and compromise
Family expectations are deeply rooted in culture and are often shaped by traditions that partners may have never questioned or considered until they began a cross-cultural relationship. Approaching these differences with curiosity, openness, humour and patience can prevent small misunderstandings from becoming larger sources of tension. Over time, couples often discover that successful cross-cultural relationships are not about choosing one family culture over another, but finding ways to respect and accommodate both.
