Long-term expatriation can sometimes lead to feelings of sadness, guilt or even regret. We asked one expert how expat partners can address these complex emotions.
The path not taken
On the surface, an expat partner, who has been abroad for over 10 years, has no complaints. Kids thriving at a great school. A happy partner relishing their international career. The expat partner has also found fulfilling activities and made friends in every country where they have lived. But, in the last year or so, the expat partner has started to feel bad about being far from their parents for so long. Missing them; wishing to take care of them, feeling guilty they don’t get to spend more time with their grandkids. On top of that, when the expat partner checks in with old friends, there’s a feeling of envy and regret. They have all bought nice houses and built successful careers; they seem to know who they are and where they belong; their lives seem simpler. The expat partner begins to wonder if it was wrong to leave, all those years ago…
A longing to belong
“When you feel disconnected from your roots, it’s normal to question life decisions. A sense of belonging is one of the basic human needs and all needs want to be heard,” says coach Hannah Böhmer. “At the heart of whatever is going through your mind there are feelings, which should be explored. Talking about it – whether it’s with a good friend, a mentor, or a coach – is always recommended. It’s empowering to confront these emotions but you also want to take practical action. The last thing you want to do is sit around and feel guilty. That would be self-sabotage.”
A mental strategy
“The German psychologist Gabriele Oettingen created a strategy called W.O.O.P. – that stands for ‘Wish – Obstacle – Overcome – Practical’. If you sometimes ‘wish’ you were still living in your homeland, you have a significant ‘obstacle’ as an expat. You can’t dance at two parties! Perhaps opening up to family members back home is a good start, not just to share your emotions but also to discuss how you could (together) ‘overcome’ and brainstorm ‘practical’ solutions. Perhaps you can also find other daily, weekly or monthly rituals that help reconnect you to your homeland. Ultimately, you want to create a vision of where you want to be and take action to get there.”