Expat partner Fleur Brinkerink-Messer kindly shared the priorities, mindset and non-negotiable items that have guided her through six international relocations.
A formative experience
“My husband and I were newlyweds when we moved to DR Congo in 2005, but preparing for that first relocation has shaped every move we have made since,” says Fleur as she reflects on a 20-year expat adventure that has taken her – and a growing family – to Bulgaria, Haiti, the UK, Ethiopia and, more recently, France. “Before Kinshasa, I attended an event with many experienced HEINEKEN expats and their partners who eagerly shared their stories to convince me it would be an amazing experience.” But one seasoned expat also offered a piece of advice that stayed with her: “When you relocate, don’t remark on anything for the first few months.”
Stop, look, listen…
“He understood that when you relocate to another culture, you don’t yet understand the cultural differences or how things work. So if you speak your mind too quickly you may sound judgmental or critical,” Fleur explains. “In DR Congo, for example, time is viewed as circular – not linear. You really need to experience this first-hand before you can understand local timekeeping.” That early insight inspired Fleur to prioritise observing, listening and learning how a culture works during those first months in any new country.
Aligning expectations
Family stability is always Fleur’s leading priority, but one more formative experience also happened before moving to Kinshasa. “My husband and I sat down with a psychiatrist who gave us 10 quite basic questions about our plans and expectations, which we answered separately,” she recalls. The results were eye-opening: while her husband was fully focused on his new role, Fleur – unsure about her own opportunities in Kinshasa – was thinking about starting a family. Acknowledging these mismatched expectations felt awkward at first but proved extremely beneficial. “It helped us see the challenges I would face and how we could support each other.”
Part of the process
Since then, before every move, Fleur and her husband revisit the same 10 questions. The exercise offers clarity and alignment: What do they each want from the next chapter? What does Fleur need to prepare? Sometimes that preparation means upskilling months before the relocation or identifying a course she wants to pursue once settled. “When you feel prepared, the transition will be smoother. Every culture is different, but for me, the basic process is the same.”
Photo: Fleur and her family in Paris
