Many expat partners will tell you that one of the perks of living abroad is that you get to meet a group of people – often from your own country – with whom you will become very close friends in a very short time. Everybody is in the same boat, and you meet up with each other frequently (clubs, international school, parties), so it’s easy to forge friendships. Or is it?
Not getting along
Listening to stories from expat partners (mostly women) there seems to be another façade to this friendship. Sometimes the women who accompany their husbands abroad do not get along with each other at all. In small communities, such as compounds, this can be a real problem, not least for expatriating companies.
Sensitive to group processes
What are the likely causes? Some American literature about interfemale aggression will tell you that a possible root cause could be that many women are very sensitive to group processes. For instance, in their book In the Company of Women Pat Heim and Susan Murphy suggest that women who occupy more or less the same hierarchical position in a group closely monitor whether other members are trying to acquire more power. If someone is suspected of doing so, the group immediately turns against her. There is also a theory that the way women ‘fight’ each other often is indirect. Here, gossip and social exclusion are the weapons of choice. The problem with this is that those ‘weapons’ are very hard to combat, both for the victims, and for the expatriating companies who would dearly like to put an end to the social upheaval in their compounds.
Feasible solutions
So what can be done about friction between the partners of expatriated employees? After consulting specialists about this subject and studying available literature, some feasible solutions could be:
- Group sessions with coaches who specialise in group dynamics.
- Individual sessions with counsellors who specialise in mental health issues and can help women recognise and live with indirect aggression.
- Provide better-focused personal partner support, as boredom appears to be a contributory factor to interpersonal friction. Much can be gained if a partner can be helped to find a meaningful life abroad.
- Prepare expat partners for possible social tensions in the expat community. For instance, our article in the December 2013 issue of Global Connection Magazine clearly outlines the interpersonal mechanisms involved, and could be used as a reference tool.
